Parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, and how we perceive and approach it can shape our connection with our children in profound ways. While I don’t claim to be an expert, I’ve learned a lot along the way and am still very much a work in progress. With every experience, I’ve come to appreciate that the way we see and adapt to each child’s unique needs has a lasting impact on our relationships.

How Perspective Shapes Parenting

Our perspective acts as a filter, shaping how we interpret our children’s behaviors, respond to challenges and approach discipline. Parenting one child can feel complex on its own, but having children with vastly different personalities and needs can make it feel like we need to be different parents for each one. This is something I experience every day with my kids, who range in age from 12 to 21 and have personalities that are as unique as they are.

For example, my 21-year-old is strong-willed and creative but sometimes needs extra support with insecurities. My 14-year-old, a teenager on the autism spectrum, has what I call "verbal limitations" and, in many ways, remains childlike—loving things like being tickled and playful while also showing his desire for independence in other areas. My youngest, who has ADHD, is bright and independent—sometimes too independent. He’ll manage things like being ill at night and only mention it casually at breakfast the next day! Balancing these individual needs requires a perspective shift for each child, helping me to connect in a way that respects their unique personalities and emotional needs.

Shifting Perspectives to Meet Each Child Where They Are

1. Understanding the "Why" Behind Behaviors

When we see challenging behaviors as “bad” or “defiant,” it’s easy to get frustrated or impose discipline without fully understanding what’s really going on. But when we shift our perspective to curiosity—asking why our child might be acting a certain way—we respond with compassion and guidance instead of reaction. My youngest, for instance, is highly independent, even to the point where he keeps things to himself that might actually need attention. Rather than seeing this as “withholding,” I try to support his independence while encouraging openness so he feels safe to share when he really needs help.

Action Step: When your child acts out or seems to withdraw, take a step back and consider what they might be experiencing. Are they frustrated, tired, or feeling uncertain? By addressing their deeper needs, you teach them that they can express their emotions and needs openly.

2. Practicing Empathy and Seeing Through Their Eyes

Children’s experiences often differ dramatically from our own adult perspectives. By practicing empathy—especially with teens who may be asserting independence or facing unique challenges like those on the autism spectrum—we build bridges of understanding. My middle child, for example, is nonverbal in some ways but expresses himself richly in others. When he’s seeking connection through play, I know that’s his way of showing affection and trust, and I can honor his independence by respecting when he wants to handle things on his own.

Action Step: In times of conflict or misunderstanding, imagine the situation from your child’s perspective. What might they be feeling, and how would you want someone to respond if you were in their place? This shift builds empathy, fosters patience, and encourages open communication.

3. Shifting from Perfection to Progress

It’s natural to want the best for our children, but sometimes we put pressure on them (and ourselves) by expecting perfection. This mindset can lead to constant correction and frustration. Instead, focusing on progress allows us to celebrate small steps and unique achievements, recognizing each child’s journey and building their confidence. My 21-year-old, for example, calls me at the slightest sign of trouble, from a sore throat to an ant in the bathroom. Rather than seeing it as a dependency, I’ve come to see it as her way of feeling safe and supported, even as she navigates her independence.

Action Step: Praise your child’s efforts, resilience, and unique strengths. Focusing on progress over perfection not only builds confidence but also strengthens your relationship.

4. Reframing Discipline as Teaching Rather Than Punishment

Finding the right balance in discipline is a common challenge, especially when each child has different needs and sensitivities. When we view discipline as a way to teach rather than control, we can set boundaries in a way that feels supportive rather than punitive. With my youngest, who has ADHD, it’s been essential to guide him without stifling his independence. I try to help him understand the impact of his choices, so he learns to manage his freedom responsibly.

Action Step: When a rule is broken, take it as an opportunity to teach. Explain why the behavior is unacceptable and suggest alternative choices. This approach builds trust and helps children learn self-discipline.

Shifting Perspectives to Strengthen Bonds

For instance, I used to feel frustrated when my 14-year-old would resist routines, seeing it as defiance. However, when I shifted my perspective to understand his needs and communication style, I realized he just needed consistency presented in a way he could connect with. Now, our routines are smoother, and he feels more supported in both his independence and his need for reassurance. This is a work in progress.

Tips for Developing a Growth-Oriented Parenting Mindset

Developing a parenting mindset that respects each child’s uniqueness takes patience and practice. I know that I am still learning and growing every day. Parenting isn’t something any of us ever perfect, but with every experience, we gain a little more insight and perspective. Here are some ways I’ve found to build a perspective that fosters connection and growth:

1. Reflect Regularly: Reflect on how your own childhood experiences shape your parenting style. This can help you identify areas where a perspective shift may be needed to better meet each child’s needs.

2. Listen Actively: Make a habit of truly listening to each child. For a child who is independent or verbal-limited, listening may mean paying attention to their actions and behaviors rather than words.

3. Model Flexibility: When parenting different personalities, flexibility is key. Show your kids that you’re willing to adapt your approach based on what they need to thrive.

4. Prioritize Self-Care: Taking care of your own emotional well-being is essential. Parenting three different personalities requires energy, patience, and a centered mindset.

Embrace Parenting as a Journey of Growth

Parenting isn’t just about guiding our children; it’s about growing alongside them. As we adapt our perspectives to meet each child where they are, we create a foundation of trust, respect, and understanding. Whether it’s providing independence, extra support, or simply an open ear, embracing each child’s unique needs shapes the relationship in a way that honors who they are.

Every child is different, and by shifting our perspective, we create an environment where each one feels valued, supported, and understood. As parents, we may sometimes feel like we’re learning on the job, but each small perspective shift helps us build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with our children.